My love and I

My love and I

Monday, August 5, 2013

Update and more of me...

Well It has been awhile, in typical Aubre fashion, so I decided I would update everyone on where we are in the process.

We had our home study and filled our all preliminary paper work, then we began to work on our real paper work. We have completed our dossier, which is the technical term for all of the paperwork that you need to gather to prove you are who you and you live where you live and you do what you do, ITS ALOT! We are currently waiting on a form to return that basically proves Jude to be adoptable by US standards, this investigational process could take anywhere from 3 moths up to a year. Its a BIG step that could hurry everything along or really slow it down. Please be praying it hurries it along. So thats where we are on technical terms.

ME- I am trying to keep busy. Right now we are planning a fundraiser for the end of the month, so I busy gathering silent auction donations and making food and trying to make all my ideas tangible. Mostly I am just praying, praying for Jude, praying for Eli, praying for Josh, praying for our fundraiser, praying for our paperwork to be expedited, praying praying praying.

Prayer is holding me together right now. There have been very few times when I have felt a physical ache of emotion. I had one the other night that caught me off guard. While sitting with Eli watching a cartoon a heaviness settled on my chest and I was suddenly overwhelmed with missing Jude, physically aching for him. My heart longs for him daily, my arms too. I know he will be here one day sooner than later, but Lord bind me to thee. He is indeed holding me up and carrying me through this,

I remember so vividly going through ELi's adoption process, before we even knew who he was, we prayed for our baby and birth mom and birth father, as do we do nightly not for Jude. Those prayers comforted me and God brought peace on me like no other. From the moment we were matched with Eli's birth mom we began praying for him by name and then my heart ached to hold him but knowing he wasn't in this world or someone else's arms yet gave me comfort.

With Jude, we pray nightly and it brings me comfort and peace but also an ache because someone out in this world that I may never know is loving on my child when I should be. Thats the hardest part of the adoption process for me this time. My baby is out there and as his mom I feel this innate need to care for him and I cant. Thats not my role right now. My role in his life right now is to care for him by raising money and doing the mounds of paper work and education and making sure his room his ready and more than anything praying. So, no matter how badly my arms ache to hold him I am busy with my role as his mama right now trying hard to bring him home. I pray you will be led to help me and Josh bring our boy home.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Hey Jude

Well I am officially not good at this whole blogging thing, although it is cathartic for me when I am in times of heart ache or waiting. It always seems like I am waiting, waiting for the next thing to happen, waiting for something to change, waiting for life to move on, waiting for God to show us where we are heading, waiting waiting waiting. As I am sure all of you are waiting with bated breath to know what's happening in our lives right now-ha she said drenched with sarcasm.

Since the last time I posted on here, I have learned a lot about waiting. I have waited years upon years upon years to be pregnant. After 3 rounds of IUI and no success, in December Josh and I came to a decision, after months of heartache and constant hormonal imbalance on my part, that we would stop the treatments and adopt. We eagerly contacted the agency that we adopted Eli from and began flying through paperwork to begin another domestic infant adoption. Suddenly after a couple of weeks of aggressively working on our paperwork both Josh and I stopped. As in completely stopped our paperwork, we didn't do anything regarding our adoption. I literally shut down and withdrew from the outside world. Both Josh and I stop talking about it unless on a rare occasion just to say what about that whole adoption thing. Then one day months later I contacted our agency to see the wait time and found out discouraging news that it would be a year and half after being approved, or as they told us probably longer since we already had a child. We loved our agency and felt comfortable there, how funny that word is-comfortable. Man oh man did God bring us out of comfort.

We for some reason found ourselves surrounded by adoption suddenly. We have always had friends that have been in the adoption community, especially since we adopted Eli. Yet suddenly more and more people around us were actively seeking adoption. I came to the realization that I was acting as if I was in a race with our friends to get a baby before them. I hadn't realized it at the time, but in January as I was filling out paper work my competitive spirit was competing for a baby. I surprised myself with that stupidity. I honestly was not aware that I could be that stupid, surprise surprise I can be. I began to question what in the world we were doing. I knew in my heart adoption was the next step for us, but I began to wonder is it now, do I even really want another baby, am I able to care for another baby, love another baby, am I going to deprive Eli of his mama if I have another baby?!?!?! All of these absurd thoughts began going through my mind that I had put off for so long. They were always there but I was always pushing them away and not confronting them. Thank God he brought to a place where I finally could.

As I sat around stewing in my confusion, I started researching other agencies, secretly hoping we wouldn't need them because I would end up pregnant. Still holding on to this dream and never able to get a clear picture of me with another baby, just wanting it almost out of its time to want it instead of truly wanting it. I began talking to an agency out of Austin that friends of ours were going through, as well as an agency in Houston that was having a surplus of babies about to hit without enough families. Neither felt right but both felt exciting. I was mistaking excitement and eagerness for peace. As I was continuing to face my issues but never really deal with them- I am really good at this FYI!

In May we were supposed to meet with an agency, but the caseworker cancelled because she had been sick. So once again we were at a standstill, not knowing where we were going to adopt from and 6 months had already flown by. On memorial day we went out to dinner and began to talk about adopting, it had come up much more often in the recent weeks and days leading up to that evening. I told Josh that for the first time I was finally able to picture in my head me with another baby and loving that baby and Eli being great with another baby. I hadn't ever been able to get there. I was having serious guilt over giving my time to another child and loving that child while Eli was here. I honestly had questioned if I was done having kids, I quickly realized after asking myself that question that of course I wasn't. We were meant to have more. I had always thought I wanted a girl too, especially since I still have all of the girl stuff from our failed match in December 2009. I told Josh at dinner that night that I was finally ok being a mom to all boys too. I didn't care if we had a girl or boy, I had a peace for the first time that I could be a mama to more than one child and my babies could be all boys. I know what you are thinking is probably, well Aubre you don't really have a say in the sex of your baby anyways so way to finally come around to that conclusion. But seriously I needed to get to that conclusion. I had spent 6 months without a shred of peace in my heart about a direction. That night at dinner, talking to Josh I had peace about where God was leading us. I didn't know where that was but I had peace knowing that whatever he had for us, I trusted in Him wholly.

I could not move on towards adoption until I found that peace. I am so glad God brought me through the last 6 months. On May 28, yes I know the date because our world changed that day, it was the day after Memorial Day, I was reading an article in people magazine about the Little Couple on TLC. It was about their recent adoption and how they found their son through rainbowkids.com. I was familiar with the website, but had not looked at it for 3 years. My understanding of the website at that point was that it was for special needs waiting children, that it had worldwide span. That was my extensive knowledge of this website, I have since found it is indeed for waiting children with special needs, but it is also for sibling groups and vulnerable children. Anyways, as I was looking at the website I started looking through the waiting children pictures and the second one down I saw this beautiful sweet little black face. I automatically clicked on it and discovered he was born in March and was from the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC), right smack in the middle of Africa. I had never heard of it before. I immediately emailed the agency to see what information they could give me regarding this sweet boy, knowing in the back of my mind nothing would actually come of it, but just curious to know more about him. The agency wrote me back quickly, as in the same day and Josh and I sat up talking about this sweet angel and decided without a doubt that we had just looked at the face of our son. We began paperwork that very week and are currently gathering documents and are officially matched with our sweet baby boy.

We are so excited, as is Eli. He talks about him daily and is always asking to get on an airplane and go get his brother. Its an amazing thing to see the face of your child and not be able to hold them. Adoption for us has always been a journey of faith, faith that God was leading us, faith that He will provide, faith that He will protect our baby, faith that He will comfort us. FAITH FAITH FAITH. We now sit and wait once more, but this time we are waiting and praying for our sweet baby. We do not know when God will bring him home to us, but we know He is faithful and will indeed bring our boy home. The wait time is merely months, but as in all international adoptions the wait is based on foreign embassies and how quickly they can process our paper work.

Please join us in praying for our son, praying that Jude is safe, praying that his caretakers love him and care for him as we would, praying that he knows his mama and daddy, and big brother are anxiously waiting to hold him, praying that he comes home soon.

We are ready to meet him and know him. We are not putting his picture on any social media place or online at all, but would love to show you pictures of him if we see you around, he looks like a inquisitive funny little boy. I can only imagine what our crazy Eli will teach him. For now, we just pray for him and talk about him always. We now have 2 sons and a peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you Lord for bringing me out of the darkness and confusion and letting me see the face of our sweet boy. Thank for giving me peace about a direction and leading us to Jude.

Please join us in praying!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

just thoughts....

Well in the last post I referenced that Josh and I are in the midst of enlarging our family or at least trying to head down that road. We have spent the last month and a half doing tests on both of us to see if natural babies are possible. We learned that to have natural babies we needed to try an IUI-interuterine insemination. In September, we had our first IUI, it was surprisingly painful but we felt it was the best decision for us then. We left and still carry a peace about going through with the IUI. This last week we found out that we are not pregnant.

I hate typing those words, thats all that echoes through my mind right now though! Over and over and over "we arent pregnant, we arent pregnant!" And tears! Im not angry, what right do I have to be angry, we took all the medical steps, I took all the pills and shots, we did everything the doctor told us. I am sad, we are sad. I have no whys because we had no control over it to begin with. This was the first real time in our 8 years of marriage where I truly believed we were pregnant, both of felt so good about it all and just knew we were pregnant. THats when you fall the hardest I suppose.

Josh and I have always trusted fully that God will lead us where he wants us. We dont dilly dally on decisions, if we feel led we jump in head first. We did with this, and once again I am reminded that Gods timing is not my timing. I still trust fully that God was and is still leading us down this path, now if I can get my broken human heart to line up with jumping on board again.

We have discussed different options of what to do next, but those things are between Josh and I.

I believe God gave me an image of my family in my heart and I know it is not done yet. I pray he continues to show me the path towards that image, because I would love nothing more than to hold all my sweet babies in my arms right about now. I suppose I could just trust in God and let Him hold his baby girl for a little while so I can cry.

Im sad.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

2 1/2 years later



WOW! Well to say that i haven't blogged in awhile is an understatement. ITs been 2 1/2 years, not with total avoidance. I have visited the blog on occasion and tried to write several posts, but nothing seemed to capture my attention long to take time away from my life.

Thats right-I said my life.

My life now is not what it was 2 1/2 years ago. It was wonderful then but nothing could have prepared me for the beauty I now live in. When we went through the long, painful, so worth it, peaceful, and blessed adoption journey; I needed this blog to release my feelings. When we brought Eli home from the hospital, which is shortly before I stopped blogging, I no longer needed a release.

I was holding the embodiment of all my dreams. Not in a creepy I am going to put all my unsought dreams on my child kind of way, but since I was a little girl I knew all I ever truly wanted in life was to be a mom. ON March 28, 2010 I held my sweet new baby, the one who made me a mom miraculously in his existence in our birthmoms belly. During the whole adoption processed I nested, just as though i was pregnant. It was fascinating to go through that time and then to suddenly be holding my child. My dream had come true, so few do in this world, that when one does you cling to it. I have had 2 dreams come true, marrying my husband (cliche but oh so true)-I married a man that I had only truly known for 6 months and have been HAPPILY married for just over 8 years now! He makes me smile every day, laugh every day, and watching him with our son makes me fall more in love with him with each breath, he makes me believe in myself, in us, in love, he makes me a better person, he leads me to our God, and he is hot to boot!!!! HAHA!!! my second dream come true is my angel love Eli.

I still remember the first moment I saw him, I pray I always do, although I doubt I could ever forget such a astonishing moment. I remember walking into the hospital room and our birthmoms mother in law was holding him, we walked in and hugged our birthmom and checked on her and then the mother in law looked at us and see well here he, im sure yall are wanting to hold him. josh led me over to that side of the room where an empty chair sat and i took my son into my arms and with tears running down me cheeks, i told him "hi buddy, we have been waiting a long time to meet you." It was the purist, most precious, truest moment of my life.

2 1/2 years later, we no longer have a bundle of joy that just eats, and sleeps, we now have a moving talking toddler who is just simply magical! I often just sit back in absolute awe of him. This little creature who is not blood related to us is so much like us. HE is this beautiful little boy with a head full of light brown curly, always fuzzy messy hair and this piercing dark brown eyes and full lips. with his olive skin toned, we just melt. Thats just how he looks, when he opens his mouth he invited you into his world of creation, and music, laughter, knowledge, and understanding, all with this sweet tender kind demeanor.

ELi and I spend our days playing and running and doing puzzles and napping and watching Mickey Mouse clubhouse, and coloring. When daddy gets home, its wrestle mania time or football time. Eli is rearing to get off some steam and as soon as his daddy walks through the door its go time! he plays drums just like josh does, on everything he can whenever he can!!!! ITs incredible, he is so good. Josh really hasnt taught him yet, eli just copies josh and the boy can seriously pick up a beat faster than anyone i know.

all this to say I'm back. My life has changed ALOT, but change is good most of the time! I now get to live my life on daily basis with my two boys. Perhaps more one day will join this little family of 3!

TUNE IN TO SEE!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Today is the BIG DAY!!!

After much anticipation, and prayer, we get to sign the papers and leave the hospital with our son today!!! Aubre and I have been dreaming and waiting for this day for so long and now that it's finally here, it doesn't seem real. I keep waiting to wake up from all of this to realize that it was just a dream. One of the greatest things about this experience has been the birth mother and her husband. Their faith in Christ and their love for each other has changed our lives forever. It's unreal to sit there and listen to her on the phone with friends of hers calling and telling them that Eli's parents are here and are holding him right now. And to see the such strong support from her family and from her husbands family tells such an amazing story of forgiveness and love. We know that today is going to be a hard day for the birth mom but the good news is that she knows the Lord and she knows that this was His will and she is being obedient to His calling on her life and the life of Eli. Our prayer and hope through this is that we can live up to being the parents that she is trusting us to be to this beautiful child. Friends, thank you so much for your prayers and support through this amazing process. The cool thing is that the story has just begun with Eli. Our son is going to impact the world and the people around him in ways that I can't even imagine and we are so privileged to be a part of it all. Continue to pray for us and for Eli and for the birth mom.

God, thank you so much for allowing us to be a part of your story. Everywhere you touch you leave a mark and I have been able to see it from the beginning of this process. Lord thank you for loving us the way we are but refusing to leave us that way.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

ELI IS BORN!!!!

Friends and Family:

We got a call early this morning at 3:00 am from the birth mom telling us those sweet, sweet words that we have been waiting for, "he is here!" We are up celebrating that our son was born and is healthy. She said her water broke at 11:30 and he came quickly just after midnight! I am in absolute awe that I just heard those words! My heat is filled with joy and praise for our God. Thank you Lord, we praise you and thank you for this journey up to now! Words seem to fail me at 3 in the morning and in the utter awe I am feeling at fact that I actually just heard that our boy is born.

Eli is BORN and is coming home soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!